How to help a military man adapt to civilian life?

How to communicate with a soldier who has returned from the front, so as not to offend or spoil the relationship? What should you pay attention to, and what questions should you avoid?

It is impossible to understand what feelings a person experiences at the front without direct experience. Therefore, it is difficult for civilians to understand the problems faced by military personnel returning from hot spots. How to help a military person adapt to life after service, MEDplus asked the psychologists of the support hotline of the Ukrainian Veterans Fund of the Ministry of Veterans – Elizaveta Petrushko and Halyna Tsygankova.

Yelyzaveta Petrushko

psychologist of the hotline support of the Ukrainian Veterans Foundation of the Ministry of Veterans

Halyna Tsygankova

psychologist of the hotline support of the Ukrainian Veterans Fund of the Ministry of Veterans

— What is the best way to communicate with military relatives returning from the front?

— First of all, it is important to distinguish when a serviceman or a servicewoman comes from the front on vacation or returns permanently for objective reasons.

During the war, a person acquires certain skills, which during the vacation must be preserved for further service. Therefore, when we talk about vacation, we cannot emphasize the usual course of adaptation to civilian life.

On the part of loved ones, understanding that vacation is a temporary phenomenon can cause tension. After all, those who are waiting for their relatives from the front have their own internal war going on 24/7. The war is waiting for a phone call, notifications, efforts to live in two planes – between thoughts about a loved one and the desire to fulfill the duties of everyday life.

Therefore, often, after the vacation, relatives may blame themselves for not spending the time as planned, for not paying enough attention. Because waiting for any important period involves a certain idealization. However, life involves the manifestation of various emotions and feelings.

You need to communicate with the soldier in the same way as you used to communicate. Because if we are talking about a relative, a military man/woman, a defender, in addition to this status of someone’s daughter/son, brother/sister, husband/wife, lover, friend.

If we talk about returning as a veteran, adaptation, an important part of which is communication, should be considered as a complex process in the family and environment. Adaptation takes place not only of the veteran, but also of his environment, which during this time also felt its personal changes.

— How to properly support a military person?

— First of all, it is important to determine whether a person really needs our support, not to try to impose his intentions. Support has its own definition for everyone and what we mean by the word support can be very different from what it means to others.

It is natural to want to understand and support our loved ones, and each family or environment has its own ways of finding that support. Therefore, you can always ask: “Do you need my support?”, “How can I support you?”.

The most important thing is not to confuse support with pity.

Support is a recognition of the strength and resilience of the one to whom it is provided, which implies a certain goal and result. Try not to impose your help, do not insist on it, but make it clear that you are nearby and ready to help when needed.

— What questions should not be asked to military relatives?

— Avoidance causes tension. As a psychologist, I can recommend not to ask questions that require direct answers, but there is a high probability that at some unexpected moment they will come up. In military families, there are certain limitations to everything – planning time, rest, planning the future of the family as a whole, and straining to avoid exciting topics can add additional stress to the natural existence of the family.

I would approach this question from the other side, recommending asking yourself:

• Is the answer to this question important to me or to him?
• What answer do I want or don’t want to hear?
• How should I deal with what I will hear?

Human nature demands that we want answers to all questions. It’s about control in life, and about trying to understand what a loved one feels, what experience they have received. There can also be fears about whether there have been internal changes, whether relationships and life together will be the same as before.

It is worth noting that any answer to the question is related to military experience, it is an answer from the context of war, which has its own conditions and rules. In the civilian space, these answers can have a different emotional perception and color.

I assume that everyone, regardless of military experience, has personal questions that he may not be ready to answer for himself or anyone else. However, this does not prevent her from living, loving herself and her loved ones, choosing her present and future.

— How can you help a soldier adapt to civilian life?

— The military uniform has a significant meaning not only from the point of view of security and functionality, which is of course very important, but also as a corresponding initiation, belonging to the status of a military/defender.

When a veteran returns to civilian space, initiation to veteran status takes place. And here we can already talk about the stage of adaptation.

Adaptation occurs when a veteran experiences similar events, emotions, all that he experienced before, to the experience gained during the war, but already through his prism. And this list includes both positive and negative emotions and feelings. The goal of the family is not to create a cloudless and artificial environment, because a human with military experience has a heightened sense of everything artificial. Rather, it is about recognizing that reality as it is, taking into account the needs for creating a new common reality, finding new meanings, opening new horizons.

It is important not to try to speed up the adaptation process by giving the person the time he needs. That is why it is important to ask if there are difficulties after returning, what exactly, and what is important, to find solutions together.

And most importantly, remember that every veteran is an individual. Considering adaptation as the appropriate growth of a person in the conditions of two poles of military and civilian experience.

— How to behave if a military man has withdrawn into himself?

— According to the advice of Blessed Augustine, everything should be done out of love. But for some reason, everything is not so simple, and because of our ego, claims to ourselves and others, our lack of awareness, we cannot do it.

To begin with, I will say that the question is as if someone is free in his reactions and interpretations of the behavior of others (especially in relation to loved ones) – this is not so, because our perception and our reactions are influenced by our personal attitudes, regardless of whether they are conscious or not . Very few people are free from their insecurities, and therefore from automatic reactions.

You have to understand that, you can’t change your reactions based on what you read in an article, that requires a lot of work on yourself. At the root of your behavior is the child complex, your upbringing, the culture in which you grew up, your worldview, your norms of behavior, your values ​​- basically all these are unconscious things. So in a good way, first you need to understand yourself.
Let’s go further, when you ask a question, you seem to focus on some standards of behavior, in this case, on the fact that the other person is always in a normal state, does not withdraw into himself and supports communication. Where do these standards and norms come from, do they belong to you and your person?

You see, the more you and I get into the topic, the more questions arise: “Do I know myself?”, “What kind of person am I?” to these standards of conduct?”, “Do standards of conduct exist at all?”.

These are not simple questions to be explored, this is a plan. Difficult, but interesting.

Thus, I think it is worth adding a few ways how you can understand another person, and you decide what to do with it:

1. Imagine yourself as him. First, try to relax your body, and then adopt the same posture as his, same facial expression. And when you feel what your loved one is feeling, you can understand how you can help him.
2. Develop the skill of active listening until you and your loved one reach closure. Show genuine interest. Because active listening implies basic respect and genuine interest, the person will have less reason to withdraw. So, when talking, you should concentrate, look at the posture, body movements, expressions of a person and listen at the same time. You can ask clarifying questions to understand meanings and emotions and thus also help to express himself.
3. Try to remember not only the important things – like the first plan, but also the details. This can come in handy and give you a hint for understanding, and directly mentioning the details will make the person feel important to you.
4. Develop self-awareness – so, when you have certain exaggerated emotions, ask yourself “What exactly caused such a reaction?”. Maybe these are your expectations, then “Where do you get them from?”. There may be a discrepancy between what you see and what is happening – with your ideas. This is a collision of your picture of the world or image of a person, your imagination with reality. And, by the way, how typical is this reaction for you? Do you know what to expect from yourself?

Usually, we perceive the world through three channels of information access:

• Visual – eyes. During a conversation, a person gestures a lot, maintains eye contact, tries to catch the same contact from you, if he switches to a higher voice, if in his speech he uses the following words and phrases: “it seems to me that…”, “it looks somehow …”, “it’s obvious…” etc. Therefore, for understanding, you need to look into the eyes, connect gestures and facial expressions.
• Auditory – ears. If you hear: “I heard that…”, “it sounds quite strange…”, etc., or even during a conversation, a person can close his eyes so that the “extra” channel of information does not scatter his attention. In this case, the interlocutor will most likely hear what you say to him, and feel in the background, or very little visual images and touches to the body.
• Kinesthetic – body. You’ll hear things like, “I feel like it’s…” or “It feels like common sense…”. In this case, contact can be established through touch, taste, that is, through physical sensations.

Therefore, pay attention to the words that a person uses – words appear in speech related to his main perception system here and now. You have a better chance of being heard by your interlocutor if you address him/her in his/her channel of perception.

There is a fourth case in the conversation – when a person relies on analysis, on critical thinking – this is also auditory perception, but a little different.

Having learned in advance to communicate, to show sincere interest in the interlocutor, to understand yourself and her/him, you will understand much more what to do in cases of a person’s closedness, irritation or unwillingness to communicate. Anyway, when you feel love and respect for your loved one, you can sincerely tell him “I don’t understand you now, but I love you”, and this may be enough.

— What advice can you give to friends/acquaintances who want to help the military, but do not know how to do it?

— Catching up and doing good is a kind of strategy, it usually does not justify itself. Help requires time and effort.

To provide assistance to the military, first of all, you need to understand that it is not just words – it requires effort. Think about creating a solution that will meet existing needs and requests, for example from the military. You can also promote organizations that are already helping and try to offer them your help — either on a volunteer basis or on the basis of payment to you.

You can get psychological help from specialists of the Ukrainian Veterans Fund of the Ministry of Veterans by calling 0 800 33 20 29